28 Nov 2006 08:29:47
I acidentally closed this tab after writing comments, how annoying.
Anyway the first paragraph is weird. The phrase, "the cold air searing inside him unnoticed." is weird.
Also is this a prologue or is this guy the main character or at least one of the main characters?
Also there seems to be a data dump feast here. That can get boring. Although explosions are cool, this intro has far away and distant explosions that don't emotionally impact the reader. And the main character seems flighty and so far I've had trouble getting attached to him. Not that I wouldn't read more if this was the begining of a book, but the rest of the chapter would have to grab my attention pretty good.
Overall though it's kind of fun, magical terroists. I like that. Although I kind of find it weird that they use guns. Maybe have the explosions be magical in nature. That'd be fun. Have them raise the hair on the elves neck or something. Give us some reason to be afraid of these guys. That they can already do more magic then most at least or else they're just psychos following an unproven silly dream.
28 Nov 2006 09:33:14
I fixed some of the wording in the first paragraph. It should flow a little better now. After I re-read it I thought it was a little awkward as well.
Pirias is a main character in the book. He's supposed to be kind of flighty and nervous, though. As to the terrorist organization, they're supposed to be a radical fundamentalist group, but they don't have access to magic yet. Magic doesn't exist in the current world, and almost all of the people dismiss the old legends as just that-- legends. The Coalition is trying to gain access to magic, and bring it back to be a main force in the world. I'll explain a little later in the chapter (next section) as to why they're attacking the Great Library.
But I agree, on further thought, I guess the explosions and things do seem a little distant. I'm trying to think of a way I can make it a little more immediate to the reader in the first part of the chapter without destroying the feeling and events that I'm trying to construct. Do you have any suggestions for how to make it a little more apparent to the reader? Let me know if there are specific parts of the "data-dump feast" that you think could be cut out and maybe moved to later parts.
Thanks for the comment!
28 Nov 2006 11:30:42
I'm too poor of a writer myself to give you the greatest advice, I suggest the writing meeting, the people there are great at coming up with ideas and I myself get better ideas at that setting. The quality of writing is good enough to take there, they'll take it apart but it'll be for your own good.